It all happened so fast

Why did it have to be that way.  I know God has a plan for all of our lives, but I still wish it didn't have to all happen so fast.  Tom and I both knew this time would come, but never expected it to go so fast.  The past 9 months changed our lives..... and not like the kind of 9 months that changed our lives in 2008 when we added to our family.  This 9 months in 2010 was so different.  We never lost hope, faith or love.  But in the end, the physical being loss is still shocking.  Even though we knew the capabilities of this cancer that we were facing, it still all happened so fast.

The past few days Nathan and I have been watching home videos.  Nathan requests, "See Dada, See Dada."  Tom had recorded a message for Nathan the day before he had surgery in August.  It brought me to tears the first time we watched it together.  Since, we've seen it multiple times and every time I still wish he was here.  I'm so grateful he did that for not only Nathan, but me too, and the rest of our family.  His message not only shows his love, but also his faith.  I love you, hunny.

It all happened so fast, I knew life would be just me and Nathan in the end, and as hard as it was to bear the thought of Tom not seeing Nathan off to kindergarden, I still never imagined everything would happen so fast.  I know I keep saying that, and I can't help it.  Just two months prior was Nathan's 2nd birthday party, and watching the video now, knowing how sick Tom was inside, he was full of life on the outside.  After presents were done, he makes everyone laugh as he says, "ok, presents done, time to chug beer!"  Those who don't know my husband's sense of humor won't really understand that he didn't really intend to actually "chug beer" but it was just way of getting people to laugh.  He loved to do that, he loved getting people to laugh.

Still, it all happened so fast.  I would not have wanted to know 9 months ago how life's events would change, but still, right up until the last days, even knowing Tom was home on hospice, a part of me had hope that he would get better.  It was a hard day when I realized it wasn't going to happen.  That's when I knew everything I was doing to help my husband to be comfortable as he transitioned from this life to his new life, wasn't going to bring him back to me in my earthly life.  I yearn for the day I can see him again.  Until then, I have to figure out what this life means for Nathan and I, what we will do, and trust in God that He will show us and teach us.  It's not going to be easy, so I hold on to hope and faith to get me through.

How are you doing?

This is a difficult question.  One that I have been asked quite frequently the past couple days, and I greatly appreciate everyone's sincerity, so this post is my attempt to answer the question.

I am a little lost.
I am tired.
I am missing him.
I love him.
I am relieved that he's not in pain anymore.
I am still in shock.
I wish it didn't have to be this way.
I am grateful for him.
I hurt deep inside.
I'm sad for Nathan.
I cry when no one is around.

Psalm 61:1-3 says, "Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.  From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is heigher than I.  For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe"

The burden of losing my best friend, my husband, the father of my son, Tom, is far too heavy for me to carry alone.  I trust in the Lord, and come to Him to help me learn how to cope, and ask Him to carry this burden from my heavy shoulders.  It doesn't happen overnight, in a day, in a week, a month; I have to learn to let go.  It's not easy because I yearn to have Tom back, but I have to ask the Lord to teach me patience to live the life He has laid out for me until the day that Tom and I are reunited.  Until then, Tom's life and memory of him will never be forgotten.  I have a wonderful support system of family and friends that will help Nathan and I through our life here on earth.  We all help each other.  Who can't take their eyes off of Nathan; he is his father through-and-through, after all.

I am so blessed to have Tom's wonderful buds in my life to help take Nathan under their wings and teach him all of the things Tom would have taught Nathan himself.  There is no doubt in my mind that Nathan will not know and understand the person his daddy was.  I look forward to watching Nathan grow into the man Tom was.  Tom was a devoted and loving husband, father and friend.  It's the person he was to each of us that we will never forget.

So, the question, "How are you doing?"  I don't have a definitive answer.  But I do have faith in the Lord, and Him to lean on to carry this burden of pain of losing my husband.  I will teach Nathan the same.  It won't be easy, I don't know that it ever will become easy.  The strength I have isn't mine alone. It's blessed upon me through my faith in God.  Jesus died for our sins so that we may have eternal life.  He gives me strength.

I've heard friends say and ask this question, in general, not directed to me.... 'how do we move on?'  My friends, I don't have the answer, and I don't know that any human on earth could answer that question.  We must ask Him.  If you have faith, ask Him.  He's listening, always listening.  Lean on Him.  If you are someone who does not know Jesus Christ as your Savior, just ask Him "Come to me."  You must first approach Him and then talk to Him and quietly listen.  The answers don't always come out directly, but watch your daily life, live what He has laid our for you, and ask him to carry your burdens, and you will see your life change.  I'm not saying daily living is easy, after having experienced this great loss, but it is as simple as asking to help find peace.  Tom would say the same.  The Lord will carry you if you ask Him.

I will always miss Tom.
I will always love him.
I will always feel a little lonely.
I will always be grateful to him.
I will always have a pain deep inside my heart.
I will always talk to Nathan about his daddy.
I will always celebrate the life Tom lived.
I will always cry when no one is around.
But with all that, I have faith, I have the Lord to help carry the burden weighing down my shoulders, and give me the strength I need everyday.

Still, whenever I am asked "How are you doing?" I might not have an answer because it's too difficult to say for sure.  I'm not feeling "good" because I just lost my husband.  I'm not "horrible" because I have faith in God.  I'm not just "ok" because I have a loving family and wonderful friends.  So, maybe, for now, I'm "alright" because I always have Him to carry me.

Love,
Roxanne