One Month

It's just a little over an hour away from being one month ago that Tom took his last breath.  I don't know how I feel about that.  I'm still in denial...shock.

I went to my first of a 6-week grief support group tonight.  It was well worth it and I look forward to figuring out this journey over the next 6-weeks.  I know it will take longer than just 6-weeks to get through this, it will probably take the rest of my entire life, but at least I am confident that this is the right direction to go in the grief and coping process.

I'll probably stay up until the time of 11:51pm.  That was the time on Feb 14th after Tom took his last breath.  Yes, I know the obit date and, in fact, the legal date is 12:45am on Feb 15th, and that is because it isn't legal until the hospice nurse arrives to call the official T.O.D.  Every year, it is going to be a struggle for me between the 14th and 15th.  I know this already.

I do have Tom's remains home now, in his forever urn.  It is so beautiful and was machined by a close friend.  It's 304 stainless steel, brushed finish, with Tom's name, dates, an eagle and Isaiah 40:31 engraved on it.  I will try to take a good picture and post it sometime.  I plan to keep him home with me for a long time.  To some people it creeps them out, but it does not to me, not at all.  I love looking at the urn and giving him a good night kiss.  Our family pic in an 8x10 stands on the shelf next to it, along with one of Tom's favorite eagle head statues.

Well, that is about all I feel like sharing tonight.  Thanks for listening, and thank you so much for keeping Nathan, myself and our family in your thoughts and prayers.

Life, as I know it

This came flowing out of my fingers as I responded to a friend in a conversation, so I thought I'd share because I've been feeling this way lately as I look at my life, as I know it, currently.


I'm a people-person. I find it fulfilling if I can inspire just one person. I believe in miracles; the birth of Nathan is proof. I truly enjoy love and never take even the small things for granted. It's the miracle of life that is humbling.  On the other end of the spectrum, when Tom passed away before my very eyes, and over this time, reflecting on our life together, and his last month of life, as much as it hurts not having him here, his moment of rebirth was beautiful in it's own way; peaceful. 

Life, as I knew it, will never be the same. It's like... you know who you are, then you meet your soul mate. Your lives together become one life. When a part of you isn't here, physically, anymore, there is a feeling of being lost. I have Nathan, our miracle, he carries me a lot, more than he'll ever know, but I still have to find that other part of me again, on my own. It will not be the same me before Tom came into my life, it will be a different me, with Nathan by my side.


Love you, buddy, thanks for being the little dude that you are.  You are so much like your daddy, and I love every single last drop of your little self.  My precious baby, miracle.  

Beyond Words

I am simply that; beyond words, words alone cannot describe the magnitude of thankfulness that I have for each of you.  The amazing blog comments of support and love that has been spread to me and Nathan from throughout the world, is simply astounding.  I am beside myself.  Thank you SO much.  Those four words hardly have an impact to show my appreciation.  It is so refreshing to see, in action, the Lord's love resonate from all of you.

Let me back up a minute.... Last night as I lay awake in bed trying to fall asleep, something was telling me to check my blog.  I couldn't get it out of my head, so out of bed I arose, turned on the computer, and to my amazement, I found 227 comments on my post "How Are You Doing?"  I couldn't believe it!  I know Tom and I both know a lot of people, but did that many people really read my blog?  And did that many people really leave a comment?  I only started blogging again as a way to let friends and family have a place to go to learn what was going on with us, a way for me to communicate with everyone and not have to repeat myself a million times over.  After Tom passed away, I still find that blogging/writing is therapeutic to me; that's why I continue to write.  Well, I was so intrigued with these 227 comments, I poured my eyes into reading each and every one.

As I read more and more, the short phrase about a "love bomb" kept repeating itself by comment after comment.  Some commenters left a note on where the live.  Some from Indiana, Ohio, California, all over the USA, and even into Canada and one from Malaysia!  WOW!  I laughed, I cried, my heart raced, I felt (and still feel) so LOVED by all of these complete strangers taking personal time out of their day to read my story and leave me very thoughtful, helpful, and encouraging words in their comments.

So what was this "love bomb" that kept repeating itself?  I decided to google it. I found a website here and Facebook page here.  What a great concept, a networking group of caring people shining in, showing God's love to people going through a tough time, or just need to be reminded that they matter in the world.  How amazing!

To all my Love Bombers:  Thank You SOOO SOOO SOOO much!  I cannot begin to express my gratitude and thankfulness for the love you have shown me, the stories you have shared and the support you demonstrated.  Complete strangers, showing and sharing love.  It is simply Beyond Words -- a true expression of God's Love.

I am looking forward to joining this Love Bomb group to help spread the love to others that need to hear it.  It really made my night/day and I slept wonderful.

Heartfelt thanks,
Roxanne