One Month

It's just a little over an hour away from being one month ago that Tom took his last breath.  I don't know how I feel about that.  I'm still in denial...shock.

I went to my first of a 6-week grief support group tonight.  It was well worth it and I look forward to figuring out this journey over the next 6-weeks.  I know it will take longer than just 6-weeks to get through this, it will probably take the rest of my entire life, but at least I am confident that this is the right direction to go in the grief and coping process.

I'll probably stay up until the time of 11:51pm.  That was the time on Feb 14th after Tom took his last breath.  Yes, I know the obit date and, in fact, the legal date is 12:45am on Feb 15th, and that is because it isn't legal until the hospice nurse arrives to call the official T.O.D.  Every year, it is going to be a struggle for me between the 14th and 15th.  I know this already.

I do have Tom's remains home now, in his forever urn.  It is so beautiful and was machined by a close friend.  It's 304 stainless steel, brushed finish, with Tom's name, dates, an eagle and Isaiah 40:31 engraved on it.  I will try to take a good picture and post it sometime.  I plan to keep him home with me for a long time.  To some people it creeps them out, but it does not to me, not at all.  I love looking at the urn and giving him a good night kiss.  Our family pic in an 8x10 stands on the shelf next to it, along with one of Tom's favorite eagle head statues.

Well, that is about all I feel like sharing tonight.  Thanks for listening, and thank you so much for keeping Nathan, myself and our family in your thoughts and prayers.

Life, as I know it

This came flowing out of my fingers as I responded to a friend in a conversation, so I thought I'd share because I've been feeling this way lately as I look at my life, as I know it, currently.


I'm a people-person. I find it fulfilling if I can inspire just one person. I believe in miracles; the birth of Nathan is proof. I truly enjoy love and never take even the small things for granted. It's the miracle of life that is humbling.  On the other end of the spectrum, when Tom passed away before my very eyes, and over this time, reflecting on our life together, and his last month of life, as much as it hurts not having him here, his moment of rebirth was beautiful in it's own way; peaceful. 

Life, as I knew it, will never be the same. It's like... you know who you are, then you meet your soul mate. Your lives together become one life. When a part of you isn't here, physically, anymore, there is a feeling of being lost. I have Nathan, our miracle, he carries me a lot, more than he'll ever know, but I still have to find that other part of me again, on my own. It will not be the same me before Tom came into my life, it will be a different me, with Nathan by my side.


Love you, buddy, thanks for being the little dude that you are.  You are so much like your daddy, and I love every single last drop of your little self.  My precious baby, miracle.  

It all happened so fast

Why did it have to be that way.  I know God has a plan for all of our lives, but I still wish it didn't have to all happen so fast.  Tom and I both knew this time would come, but never expected it to go so fast.  The past 9 months changed our lives..... and not like the kind of 9 months that changed our lives in 2008 when we added to our family.  This 9 months in 2010 was so different.  We never lost hope, faith or love.  But in the end, the physical being loss is still shocking.  Even though we knew the capabilities of this cancer that we were facing, it still all happened so fast.

The past few days Nathan and I have been watching home videos.  Nathan requests, "See Dada, See Dada."  Tom had recorded a message for Nathan the day before he had surgery in August.  It brought me to tears the first time we watched it together.  Since, we've seen it multiple times and every time I still wish he was here.  I'm so grateful he did that for not only Nathan, but me too, and the rest of our family.  His message not only shows his love, but also his faith.  I love you, hunny.

It all happened so fast, I knew life would be just me and Nathan in the end, and as hard as it was to bear the thought of Tom not seeing Nathan off to kindergarden, I still never imagined everything would happen so fast.  I know I keep saying that, and I can't help it.  Just two months prior was Nathan's 2nd birthday party, and watching the video now, knowing how sick Tom was inside, he was full of life on the outside.  After presents were done, he makes everyone laugh as he says, "ok, presents done, time to chug beer!"  Those who don't know my husband's sense of humor won't really understand that he didn't really intend to actually "chug beer" but it was just way of getting people to laugh.  He loved to do that, he loved getting people to laugh.

Still, it all happened so fast.  I would not have wanted to know 9 months ago how life's events would change, but still, right up until the last days, even knowing Tom was home on hospice, a part of me had hope that he would get better.  It was a hard day when I realized it wasn't going to happen.  That's when I knew everything I was doing to help my husband to be comfortable as he transitioned from this life to his new life, wasn't going to bring him back to me in my earthly life.  I yearn for the day I can see him again.  Until then, I have to figure out what this life means for Nathan and I, what we will do, and trust in God that He will show us and teach us.  It's not going to be easy, so I hold on to hope and faith to get me through.