Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Time Moves On
Wow, it's been well over a year since I posted anything in my personal blog. For some reason when I woke up this morning, the voice inside me told me to read those most recent posts. What I've discovered is... those feelings are all so real yet, but I can see how far I've come in learning how to deal with them, recognize them and appreciate them to have moulded me into the person I am today. I'm still "me", but in a way I feel like I'm a better "me" because of Tom, because of what we went through, and because of how I chose to deal with and learn from my grief.
This paragraph, written on March 8th 2011, in particular, hit me:
I'm a people-person. I find it fulfilling if I can inspire just one person. I believe in miracles; the birth of Nathan is proof. I truly enjoy love and never take even the small things for granted. It's the miracle of life that is humbling. On the other end of the spectrum, when Tom passed away before my very eyes, and over this time, reflecting on our life together, and his last month of life, as much as it hurts not having him here, his moment of rebirth was beautiful in it's own way; peaceful.
I'm happy to say that because of what I've learned about myself, I can give a better-self to a new special person in my life. This is what I posted on my Facebook status on Sunday, April 22nd, 2012:
It's taken me a while to be public about my new relationship....worried about what people may think, what they might say, how Tom's family may react. But I realized none of this is about anyone else. Tom wanted me to be happy, and I'd want him to find happiness if I was gone from this earth. It doesn't mean I loved Tom any less. It doesn't mean I miss him any less. But I have found a wonderful man in Craig Knutson, who values life, family and completely respects my former life with my late-husband. It's a huge undertaking to be a part of mine and Nathan's life, and we are ready for this. The four of us... Me, Nate, Craig & Dylan.
Yes, I do believe that Tom had a little to do with leading me to where I am today, but most of it was me, all on my own. I am so grateful to have found a man who appreciates life, God, family and respects mine and Nathan's past life with Tom, welcomes the stories I have to share, and enjoys me for me.
The grief of losing my husband will never go away. I just learn a new way of living with it and learning how to deal with various emotions. It's been nearly a 15 month journey on this new path since Tom's death, and sometimes it seems like yesterday, then sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. It's just how it is. Life on earth moves on, and so must we.
Peace,
Roxanne :)
Monday, March 14, 2011
One Month
It's just a little over an hour away from being one month ago that Tom took his last breath. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm still in denial...shock.
I went to my first of a 6-week grief support group tonight. It was well worth it and I look forward to figuring out this journey over the next 6-weeks. I know it will take longer than just 6-weeks to get through this, it will probably take the rest of my entire life, but at least I am confident that this is the right direction to go in the grief and coping process.
I'll probably stay up until the time of 11:51pm. That was the time on Feb 14th after Tom took his last breath. Yes, I know the obit date and, in fact, the legal date is 12:45am on Feb 15th, and that is because it isn't legal until the hospice nurse arrives to call the official T.O.D. Every year, it is going to be a struggle for me between the 14th and 15th. I know this already.
I do have Tom's remains home now, in his forever urn. It is so beautiful and was machined by a close friend. It's 304 stainless steel, brushed finish, with Tom's name, dates, an eagle and Isaiah 40:31 engraved on it. I will try to take a good picture and post it sometime. I plan to keep him home with me for a long time. To some people it creeps them out, but it does not to me, not at all. I love looking at the urn and giving him a good night kiss. Our family pic in an 8x10 stands on the shelf next to it, along with one of Tom's favorite eagle head statues.
Well, that is about all I feel like sharing tonight. Thanks for listening, and thank you so much for keeping Nathan, myself and our family in your thoughts and prayers.
I went to my first of a 6-week grief support group tonight. It was well worth it and I look forward to figuring out this journey over the next 6-weeks. I know it will take longer than just 6-weeks to get through this, it will probably take the rest of my entire life, but at least I am confident that this is the right direction to go in the grief and coping process.
I'll probably stay up until the time of 11:51pm. That was the time on Feb 14th after Tom took his last breath. Yes, I know the obit date and, in fact, the legal date is 12:45am on Feb 15th, and that is because it isn't legal until the hospice nurse arrives to call the official T.O.D. Every year, it is going to be a struggle for me between the 14th and 15th. I know this already.
I do have Tom's remains home now, in his forever urn. It is so beautiful and was machined by a close friend. It's 304 stainless steel, brushed finish, with Tom's name, dates, an eagle and Isaiah 40:31 engraved on it. I will try to take a good picture and post it sometime. I plan to keep him home with me for a long time. To some people it creeps them out, but it does not to me, not at all. I love looking at the urn and giving him a good night kiss. Our family pic in an 8x10 stands on the shelf next to it, along with one of Tom's favorite eagle head statues.
Well, that is about all I feel like sharing tonight. Thanks for listening, and thank you so much for keeping Nathan, myself and our family in your thoughts and prayers.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Life, as I know it
This came flowing out of my fingers as I responded to a friend in a conversation, so I thought I'd share because I've been feeling this way lately as I look at my life, as I know it, currently.
I'm a people-person. I find it fulfilling if I can inspire just one person. I believe in miracles; the birth of Nathan is proof. I truly enjoy love and never take even the small things for granted. It's the miracle of life that is humbling. On the other end of the spectrum, when Tom passed away before my very eyes, and over this time, reflecting on our life together, and his last month of life, as much as it hurts not having him here, his moment of rebirth was beautiful in it's own way; peaceful.
Life, as I knew it, will never be the same. It's like... you know who you are, then you meet your soul mate. Your lives together become one life. When a part of you isn't here, physically, anymore, there is a feeling of being lost. I have Nathan, our miracle, he carries me a lot, more than he'll ever know, but I still have to find that other part of me again, on my own. It will not be the same me before Tom came into my life, it will be a different me, with Nathan by my side.
Love you, buddy, thanks for being the little dude that you are. You are so much like your daddy, and I love every single last drop of your little self. My precious baby, miracle.
I'm a people-person. I find it fulfilling if I can inspire just one person. I believe in miracles; the birth of Nathan is proof. I truly enjoy love and never take even the small things for granted. It's the miracle of life that is humbling. On the other end of the spectrum, when Tom passed away before my very eyes, and over this time, reflecting on our life together, and his last month of life, as much as it hurts not having him here, his moment of rebirth was beautiful in it's own way; peaceful.
Life, as I knew it, will never be the same. It's like... you know who you are, then you meet your soul mate. Your lives together become one life. When a part of you isn't here, physically, anymore, there is a feeling of being lost. I have Nathan, our miracle, he carries me a lot, more than he'll ever know, but I still have to find that other part of me again, on my own. It will not be the same me before Tom came into my life, it will be a different me, with Nathan by my side.
Love you, buddy, thanks for being the little dude that you are. You are so much like your daddy, and I love every single last drop of your little self. My precious baby, miracle.
Beyond Words
I am simply that; beyond words, words alone cannot describe the magnitude of thankfulness that I have for each of you. The amazing blog comments of support and love that has been spread to me and Nathan from throughout the world, is simply astounding. I am beside myself. Thank you SO much. Those four words hardly have an impact to show my appreciation. It is so refreshing to see, in action, the Lord's love resonate from all of you.
Let me back up a minute.... Last night as I lay awake in bed trying to fall asleep, something was telling me to check my blog. I couldn't get it out of my head, so out of bed I arose, turned on the computer, and to my amazement, I found 227 comments on my post "How Are You Doing?" I couldn't believe it! I know Tom and I both know a lot of people, but did that many people really read my blog? And did that many people really leave a comment? I only started blogging again as a way to let friends and family have a place to go to learn what was going on with us, a way for me to communicate with everyone and not have to repeat myself a million times over. After Tom passed away, I still find that blogging/writing is therapeutic to me; that's why I continue to write. Well, I was so intrigued with these 227 comments, I poured my eyes into reading each and every one.
As I read more and more, the short phrase about a "love bomb" kept repeating itself by comment after comment. Some commenters left a note on where the live. Some from Indiana, Ohio, California, all over the USA, and even into Canada and one from Malaysia! WOW! I laughed, I cried, my heart raced, I felt (and still feel) so LOVED by all of these complete strangers taking personal time out of their day to read my story and leave me very thoughtful, helpful, and encouraging words in their comments.
So what was this "love bomb" that kept repeating itself? I decided to google it. I found a website here and Facebook page here. What a great concept, a networking group of caring people shining in, showing God's love to people going through a tough time, or just need to be reminded that they matter in the world. How amazing!
To all my Love Bombers: Thank You SOOO SOOO SOOO much! I cannot begin to express my gratitude and thankfulness for the love you have shown me, the stories you have shared and the support you demonstrated. Complete strangers, showing and sharing love. It is simply Beyond Words -- a true expression of God's Love.
I am looking forward to joining this Love Bomb group to help spread the love to others that need to hear it. It really made my night/day and I slept wonderful.
Heartfelt thanks,
Roxanne
Let me back up a minute.... Last night as I lay awake in bed trying to fall asleep, something was telling me to check my blog. I couldn't get it out of my head, so out of bed I arose, turned on the computer, and to my amazement, I found 227 comments on my post "How Are You Doing?" I couldn't believe it! I know Tom and I both know a lot of people, but did that many people really read my blog? And did that many people really leave a comment? I only started blogging again as a way to let friends and family have a place to go to learn what was going on with us, a way for me to communicate with everyone and not have to repeat myself a million times over. After Tom passed away, I still find that blogging/writing is therapeutic to me; that's why I continue to write. Well, I was so intrigued with these 227 comments, I poured my eyes into reading each and every one.
As I read more and more, the short phrase about a "love bomb" kept repeating itself by comment after comment. Some commenters left a note on where the live. Some from Indiana, Ohio, California, all over the USA, and even into Canada and one from Malaysia! WOW! I laughed, I cried, my heart raced, I felt (and still feel) so LOVED by all of these complete strangers taking personal time out of their day to read my story and leave me very thoughtful, helpful, and encouraging words in their comments.
So what was this "love bomb" that kept repeating itself? I decided to google it. I found a website here and Facebook page here. What a great concept, a networking group of caring people shining in, showing God's love to people going through a tough time, or just need to be reminded that they matter in the world. How amazing!
To all my Love Bombers: Thank You SOOO SOOO SOOO much! I cannot begin to express my gratitude and thankfulness for the love you have shown me, the stories you have shared and the support you demonstrated. Complete strangers, showing and sharing love. It is simply Beyond Words -- a true expression of God's Love.
I am looking forward to joining this Love Bomb group to help spread the love to others that need to hear it. It really made my night/day and I slept wonderful.
Heartfelt thanks,
Roxanne
Sunday, February 27, 2011
It all happened so fast
Why did it have to be that way. I know God has a plan for all of our lives, but I still wish it didn't have to all happen so fast. Tom and I both knew this time would come, but never expected it to go so fast. The past 9 months changed our lives..... and not like the kind of 9 months that changed our lives in 2008 when we added to our family. This 9 months in 2010 was so different. We never lost hope, faith or love. But in the end, the physical being loss is still shocking. Even though we knew the capabilities of this cancer that we were facing, it still all happened so fast.
The past few days Nathan and I have been watching home videos. Nathan requests, "See Dada, See Dada." Tom had recorded a message for Nathan the day before he had surgery in August. It brought me to tears the first time we watched it together. Since, we've seen it multiple times and every time I still wish he was here. I'm so grateful he did that for not only Nathan, but me too, and the rest of our family. His message not only shows his love, but also his faith. I love you, hunny.
It all happened so fast, I knew life would be just me and Nathan in the end, and as hard as it was to bear the thought of Tom not seeing Nathan off to kindergarden, I still never imagined everything would happen so fast. I know I keep saying that, and I can't help it. Just two months prior was Nathan's 2nd birthday party, and watching the video now, knowing how sick Tom was inside, he was full of life on the outside. After presents were done, he makes everyone laugh as he says, "ok, presents done, time to chug beer!" Those who don't know my husband's sense of humor won't really understand that he didn't really intend to actually "chug beer" but it was just way of getting people to laugh. He loved to do that, he loved getting people to laugh.
Still, it all happened so fast. I would not have wanted to know 9 months ago how life's events would change, but still, right up until the last days, even knowing Tom was home on hospice, a part of me had hope that he would get better. It was a hard day when I realized it wasn't going to happen. That's when I knew everything I was doing to help my husband to be comfortable as he transitioned from this life to his new life, wasn't going to bring him back to me in my earthly life. I yearn for the day I can see him again. Until then, I have to figure out what this life means for Nathan and I, what we will do, and trust in God that He will show us and teach us. It's not going to be easy, so I hold on to hope and faith to get me through.
The past few days Nathan and I have been watching home videos. Nathan requests, "See Dada, See Dada." Tom had recorded a message for Nathan the day before he had surgery in August. It brought me to tears the first time we watched it together. Since, we've seen it multiple times and every time I still wish he was here. I'm so grateful he did that for not only Nathan, but me too, and the rest of our family. His message not only shows his love, but also his faith. I love you, hunny.
It all happened so fast, I knew life would be just me and Nathan in the end, and as hard as it was to bear the thought of Tom not seeing Nathan off to kindergarden, I still never imagined everything would happen so fast. I know I keep saying that, and I can't help it. Just two months prior was Nathan's 2nd birthday party, and watching the video now, knowing how sick Tom was inside, he was full of life on the outside. After presents were done, he makes everyone laugh as he says, "ok, presents done, time to chug beer!" Those who don't know my husband's sense of humor won't really understand that he didn't really intend to actually "chug beer" but it was just way of getting people to laugh. He loved to do that, he loved getting people to laugh.
Still, it all happened so fast. I would not have wanted to know 9 months ago how life's events would change, but still, right up until the last days, even knowing Tom was home on hospice, a part of me had hope that he would get better. It was a hard day when I realized it wasn't going to happen. That's when I knew everything I was doing to help my husband to be comfortable as he transitioned from this life to his new life, wasn't going to bring him back to me in my earthly life. I yearn for the day I can see him again. Until then, I have to figure out what this life means for Nathan and I, what we will do, and trust in God that He will show us and teach us. It's not going to be easy, so I hold on to hope and faith to get me through.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
How are you doing?
This is a difficult question. One that I have been asked quite frequently the past couple days, and I greatly appreciate everyone's sincerity, so this post is my attempt to answer the question.
I am a little lost.
I am tired.
I am missing him.
I love him.
I am relieved that he's not in pain anymore.
I am still in shock.
I wish it didn't have to be this way.
I am grateful for him.
I hurt deep inside.
I'm sad for Nathan.
I cry when no one is around.
Psalm 61:1-3 says, "Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is heigher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe"
The burden of losing my best friend, my husband, the father of my son, Tom, is far too heavy for me to carry alone. I trust in the Lord, and come to Him to help me learn how to cope, and ask Him to carry this burden from my heavy shoulders. It doesn't happen overnight, in a day, in a week, a month; I have to learn to let go. It's not easy because I yearn to have Tom back, but I have to ask the Lord to teach me patience to live the life He has laid out for me until the day that Tom and I are reunited. Until then, Tom's life and memory of him will never be forgotten. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends that will help Nathan and I through our life here on earth. We all help each other. Who can't take their eyes off of Nathan; he is his father through-and-through, after all.
I am so blessed to have Tom's wonderful buds in my life to help take Nathan under their wings and teach him all of the things Tom would have taught Nathan himself. There is no doubt in my mind that Nathan will not know and understand the person his daddy was. I look forward to watching Nathan grow into the man Tom was. Tom was a devoted and loving husband, father and friend. It's the person he was to each of us that we will never forget.
So, the question, "How are you doing?" I don't have a definitive answer. But I do have faith in the Lord, and Him to lean on to carry this burden of pain of losing my husband. I will teach Nathan the same. It won't be easy, I don't know that it ever will become easy. The strength I have isn't mine alone. It's blessed upon me through my faith in God. Jesus died for our sins so that we may have eternal life. He gives me strength.
I've heard friends say and ask this question, in general, not directed to me.... 'how do we move on?' My friends, I don't have the answer, and I don't know that any human on earth could answer that question. We must ask Him. If you have faith, ask Him. He's listening, always listening. Lean on Him. If you are someone who does not know Jesus Christ as your Savior, just ask Him "Come to me." You must first approach Him and then talk to Him and quietly listen. The answers don't always come out directly, but watch your daily life, live what He has laid our for you, and ask him to carry your burdens, and you will see your life change. I'm not saying daily living is easy, after having experienced this great loss, but it is as simple as asking to help find peace. Tom would say the same. The Lord will carry you if you ask Him.
I will always miss Tom.
I will always love him.
I will always feel a little lonely.
I will always be grateful to him.
I will always have a pain deep inside my heart.
I will always talk to Nathan about his daddy.
I will always celebrate the life Tom lived.
I will always cry when no one is around.
But with all that, I have faith, I have the Lord to help carry the burden weighing down my shoulders, and give me the strength I need everyday.
Still, whenever I am asked "How are you doing?" I might not have an answer because it's too difficult to say for sure. I'm not feeling "good" because I just lost my husband. I'm not "horrible" because I have faith in God. I'm not just "ok" because I have a loving family and wonderful friends. So, maybe, for now, I'm "alright" because I always have Him to carry me.
Love,
Roxanne
I am a little lost.
I am tired.
I am missing him.
I love him.
I am relieved that he's not in pain anymore.
I am still in shock.
I wish it didn't have to be this way.
I am grateful for him.
I hurt deep inside.
I'm sad for Nathan.
I cry when no one is around.
Psalm 61:1-3 says, "Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is heigher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe"
The burden of losing my best friend, my husband, the father of my son, Tom, is far too heavy for me to carry alone. I trust in the Lord, and come to Him to help me learn how to cope, and ask Him to carry this burden from my heavy shoulders. It doesn't happen overnight, in a day, in a week, a month; I have to learn to let go. It's not easy because I yearn to have Tom back, but I have to ask the Lord to teach me patience to live the life He has laid out for me until the day that Tom and I are reunited. Until then, Tom's life and memory of him will never be forgotten. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends that will help Nathan and I through our life here on earth. We all help each other. Who can't take their eyes off of Nathan; he is his father through-and-through, after all.
I am so blessed to have Tom's wonderful buds in my life to help take Nathan under their wings and teach him all of the things Tom would have taught Nathan himself. There is no doubt in my mind that Nathan will not know and understand the person his daddy was. I look forward to watching Nathan grow into the man Tom was. Tom was a devoted and loving husband, father and friend. It's the person he was to each of us that we will never forget.
So, the question, "How are you doing?" I don't have a definitive answer. But I do have faith in the Lord, and Him to lean on to carry this burden of pain of losing my husband. I will teach Nathan the same. It won't be easy, I don't know that it ever will become easy. The strength I have isn't mine alone. It's blessed upon me through my faith in God. Jesus died for our sins so that we may have eternal life. He gives me strength.
I've heard friends say and ask this question, in general, not directed to me.... 'how do we move on?' My friends, I don't have the answer, and I don't know that any human on earth could answer that question. We must ask Him. If you have faith, ask Him. He's listening, always listening. Lean on Him. If you are someone who does not know Jesus Christ as your Savior, just ask Him "Come to me." You must first approach Him and then talk to Him and quietly listen. The answers don't always come out directly, but watch your daily life, live what He has laid our for you, and ask him to carry your burdens, and you will see your life change. I'm not saying daily living is easy, after having experienced this great loss, but it is as simple as asking to help find peace. Tom would say the same. The Lord will carry you if you ask Him.
I will always miss Tom.
I will always love him.
I will always feel a little lonely.
I will always be grateful to him.
I will always have a pain deep inside my heart.
I will always talk to Nathan about his daddy.
I will always celebrate the life Tom lived.
I will always cry when no one is around.
But with all that, I have faith, I have the Lord to help carry the burden weighing down my shoulders, and give me the strength I need everyday.
Still, whenever I am asked "How are you doing?" I might not have an answer because it's too difficult to say for sure. I'm not feeling "good" because I just lost my husband. I'm not "horrible" because I have faith in God. I'm not just "ok" because I have a loving family and wonderful friends. So, maybe, for now, I'm "alright" because I always have Him to carry me.
Love,
Roxanne
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Services details
After a 5 year battle with Metastatic Melanoma skin cancer, Tom took his last breath here on Earth and is now at peace with God, pain and cancer-free. I will always love you, Tom my hunny, and look forward to the coming years watching Nathan grow into the man his father was. Thank you, everyone, for your love and support.
Funeral arrangements:
Saturday, February 19th, 2011
Whiting Community Baptist Church, 1020 Tullar Road, Neenah
9:30am Visitation
11am Service
*In lieu of flowers, a trust fund will be set up in Nathan's name
A luncheon will follow at Bridgewood Conference Center, 1000 Cameron Way, Neenah (next to Ground Round) from 12noon - 2pm.
*all food and beverages will be provided, no carry-ins allowed.
Thank you, everyone, for all of your continuous love, support and prayers. Please feel free to continue to share your memories and pictures of Tom on the Facebook Group page Friends of Tom Schwandt.
Love, Roxanne
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