How are you doing?

This is a difficult question.  One that I have been asked quite frequently the past couple days, and I greatly appreciate everyone's sincerity, so this post is my attempt to answer the question.

I am a little lost.
I am tired.
I am missing him.
I love him.
I am relieved that he's not in pain anymore.
I am still in shock.
I wish it didn't have to be this way.
I am grateful for him.
I hurt deep inside.
I'm sad for Nathan.
I cry when no one is around.

Psalm 61:1-3 says, "Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.  From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is heigher than I.  For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe"

The burden of losing my best friend, my husband, the father of my son, Tom, is far too heavy for me to carry alone.  I trust in the Lord, and come to Him to help me learn how to cope, and ask Him to carry this burden from my heavy shoulders.  It doesn't happen overnight, in a day, in a week, a month; I have to learn to let go.  It's not easy because I yearn to have Tom back, but I have to ask the Lord to teach me patience to live the life He has laid out for me until the day that Tom and I are reunited.  Until then, Tom's life and memory of him will never be forgotten.  I have a wonderful support system of family and friends that will help Nathan and I through our life here on earth.  We all help each other.  Who can't take their eyes off of Nathan; he is his father through-and-through, after all.

I am so blessed to have Tom's wonderful buds in my life to help take Nathan under their wings and teach him all of the things Tom would have taught Nathan himself.  There is no doubt in my mind that Nathan will not know and understand the person his daddy was.  I look forward to watching Nathan grow into the man Tom was.  Tom was a devoted and loving husband, father and friend.  It's the person he was to each of us that we will never forget.

So, the question, "How are you doing?"  I don't have a definitive answer.  But I do have faith in the Lord, and Him to lean on to carry this burden of pain of losing my husband.  I will teach Nathan the same.  It won't be easy, I don't know that it ever will become easy.  The strength I have isn't mine alone. It's blessed upon me through my faith in God.  Jesus died for our sins so that we may have eternal life.  He gives me strength.

I've heard friends say and ask this question, in general, not directed to me.... 'how do we move on?'  My friends, I don't have the answer, and I don't know that any human on earth could answer that question.  We must ask Him.  If you have faith, ask Him.  He's listening, always listening.  Lean on Him.  If you are someone who does not know Jesus Christ as your Savior, just ask Him "Come to me."  You must first approach Him and then talk to Him and quietly listen.  The answers don't always come out directly, but watch your daily life, live what He has laid our for you, and ask him to carry your burdens, and you will see your life change.  I'm not saying daily living is easy, after having experienced this great loss, but it is as simple as asking to help find peace.  Tom would say the same.  The Lord will carry you if you ask Him.

I will always miss Tom.
I will always love him.
I will always feel a little lonely.
I will always be grateful to him.
I will always have a pain deep inside my heart.
I will always talk to Nathan about his daddy.
I will always celebrate the life Tom lived.
I will always cry when no one is around.
But with all that, I have faith, I have the Lord to help carry the burden weighing down my shoulders, and give me the strength I need everyday.

Still, whenever I am asked "How are you doing?" I might not have an answer because it's too difficult to say for sure.  I'm not feeling "good" because I just lost my husband.  I'm not "horrible" because I have faith in God.  I'm not just "ok" because I have a loving family and wonderful friends.  So, maybe, for now, I'm "alright" because I always have Him to carry me.

Love,
Roxanne